


A Letter To The Fans, From Dan

by Analphancones



Category: Phan, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 19:21:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8459971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Analphancones/pseuds/Analphancones
Summary: Dan heard something he wished he hadn't. Learned something he wished he hadn't. Had something happen he wished hadn't. He writes a letter to the fans, explaining.





	

Ever sat on the edge of an apartment building, just thinking, ‘What would happen if I just jumped’? I have. I’ve sat swinging my legs back and forth thinking about how worthless the world was, and just how much I really wanted to fucking end it. Tonight is one of those nights. If you’re wondering why, I’ll tell you.   
A few months ago, I was happy, a few years ago not so much. I know, it’s stupid to get sad over a breakup. But this wasn’t a break up. This was, getting my heart strung out and ripped to pieces.   
Phil Lester. Many of you fans, might know this man. He’s been my roommate for years, my best friend for years, was my lover for years. I’m leaving YouTube, I’m leaving life. Let me elaborate why.   
Two years ago, me and Phil got together. He was my everything. Still is. I guess that’s sad. I’m sad, though. We were good together, you know. He told me daily. I was his soul mate. And he was mine, he still is mine. Sometimes, soul mates are one sided. They are yours but you aren’t theirs. The world is tragic like that. At least, I think it is. Some may disagree. We would lay in bed, holding hands and talking for hours. His fingers would lace with mine, he’d whisper in my ear how much he loves me, gently fluttering his eyelashes against my neck and my cheek as he did. I had never been happier.   
We never told you because I was scared of my family finding out, the homophobic fucks. But that won’t matter anymore here soon. He was fine with it, and so was I. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys. You guys have been the best audience I could ever ask for, and the best fan base. I love you all, except the cannibals and the nuns. Sorry. Honesty.   
But, a few months ago? Phil met a woman called Isa. She was a lot of things I wasn’t; smart, funny, real, raw, poetic, creative, funny, bright, energetic, enthusiastic about life, etc. I could see why Phil would prefer her, but I never thought much of their friendship. Until it happened.   
I got home early from a visit with my parents, the classic way to catch someone cheating. But I didn’t catch him cheating. I caught him on the phone with her. Having a conversation I wish I had never heard. 

 

“He doesn’t know, he’s with his family currently.” Phil had said, chuckling to himself as he paced and spoke with her, I could hear her slightly. 

 

“That’s good. What happened with you two? Why don’t you want to be with him anymore?” Her voice said, sounding like sticky-sweet honey it was so nice, but her words were a javelin through my chest. 

 

“Have you met him?” He laughed out. “He’s a slob, all he does is pretend, he’s pretentious and fake. He thinks he’s deep when he’s actually a pathetic egg.” 

 

“Phil! Don’t be so harsh!” She chuckled softly. “Well, tell me when you leave him. I’ll come over after.” She said, no doubt smiling to herself. 

 

“Okay, my love. I’ll call you later, okay bear?” He said and again, a javelin through the chest, as that was my nickname from him.  
He hung up and sat on the couch and I quietly went back down the steps and recreated the door opening, louder this time so he’d be aware of my presence and he came down to greet me, kissing my cheek and my stomach was in knots.   
I walked away from him, going up to my room, the one we told you guys was mine. We slept in his room a lot, his bed was bigger.   
I laid on my bed and you know what I did? Guys, I cried. I sobbed. I screamed. But he took no notice, he was too busy doing whatever it was that he did. And it didn’t matter I was screaming. He didn’t care. And things got worse from there.   
I confronted him about it a week later, and he didn’t care. He just told me to pack my stuff and get out, but I refused. I lived there too, I paid more of the rent than he did and more of the bills, so he left. Within a day all his stuff was away from the flat. That’s why we both stopped making videos these last few months.   
I’m unsure if you guys will ever see this, but I plan to tweet out a photo for you guys. I really want you all to know I’m sorry. I have had an amazing few years entertaining you guys, you know that? But hey. Good things always end.   
I tried to call him. He answered, twenty minutes ago. He told me to kill myself. I decided to do as he asked. Maybe everyone will be happier, including me.   
As I write these last few sentences, I’m opening twitter to take a photo at the last paragraph. This is just for anyone else that sees this. I’ve sent the part for the fans. Whoever else reads this? I blame Phil Lester. Tell him that.   
I’m gonna jump. I am going to jump. Because I, Dan Howell, want to die. I’m jum

**Author's Note:**

> I got sad again


End file.
